that's just rude.

I deal with rude people all day every day. From my home and through out work, it seems rudeness from others is the theme of my life.

Example:
Tonight I had a woman who, for whatever reason, found deciding what to eat to be an INCREDIBLY difficult task. Note to dine-in customers: if you don't know what you want to eat, it's totally fine. Just please, PLEASE don't allow me to stand there like an idiot in an awkward silence while you dissect the menu. Believe it or not, there are other people I am waiting on. You are NOT the only person in the restaurant. Anyway, she was debating between the salmon and the corn beef. "Which is better?", she asks. "Well...they're quite different...what are you in the mood for?"
"Well, if I knew that I probably wouldn't be asking you!" she said loudly and sighed.
Whooooa, lady. It's not MY fault you don't know what you want to eat, nor is it my fault I don't know your taste buds. Keep your panties on.

Clearly after that sassy comment things got awkward. I didn't say anything and said, "Maybe I should give you a few minutes?"
"I'll take the corn beef" she said and slammed the menu.
This woman was rude for the rest of the meal and then proceeded to leave me an 8% tip. I hope she gets hit by one of the biker guys you see riding throughout Times Square. Karma's a bitch.

About a year or two ago during a lunch shift, I had two very creepy men sit in my section. I'd say they were both pushing fifty and dressed to the nines in suits, slicked hair and gold chains; one even had gold rimmed glasses. I walked over, dreading the conversation that could potentially take place and asked them what they would like to drink. To my surprise, they smiled politely and ordered a root beer and an iced tea. Okay, maybe I'm a little too quick to judge. I get them their drinks and come back over to take their order. Suddenly one asked, "What do you do when you're not at the restaurant?"
I hate this question. What do you think I do? I'm an actress, okay? YES, I fit the stereotype. And why is the next question always, "do you audition?" Don't talk to me. Just tell me what you want to eat, if you need ketchup and let's leave it at that.

"I'm at actress", I said forcing a smile. "Oh yea? We're in the acting business, too" they said and chuckled. "You ever do film?" he asked. "Oh, I did like, two independent films in college -- nothing too exciting. I'm more of a stage actress." I made the mistake of asking what they do in the film business and the gold rimmed glasses guy said, "We do pornography. I'm the director and the big guy across from me is the producer and handles the money". What else could I say to that except, "...Oh." Then he says, "Listen, if you're interested, I'd be willing to pay you two grand for some stills. We're looking for some women to be Glamazons in our next film -- you'd be perfect. We work right uptown from here. When do you get off?"
I couldn't help but be extremely offended. Sadly, people seem to think all actresses are desperate to get any work they can. I'd rather ask you how you like your burger cooked instead of getting naked for the camera. Sorry fellas, but you're talking to someone with a little more self respect.
I wanted to say "No, thank you" but instead I said, "Gentlemen...I am not your girl for this job. In college I wrote a very lengthy research paper on the negative effects of pornography. What can I get you for lunch?"
They left me a 25% tip.

Another thing -- telling me what a great server I am doesn't pay the bills. I can smell that a mile away. The moment someone starts telling me how great and perfect everything is, I know I'm in store for no more than a 10% tip. Don't say it. Just show me the money.

I know if you're in a deep conversation it's awkward when someone walks up in the middle of it. Trust me, I don't like it either. But what else do you expect to happen when you go to a sit down restaurant? So, let's make it easier on everyone and simply take a second from your conversation, tell me what you want to drink and I'll leave you alone. Don't continue with the conversation once I've walked up. You know I'm standing here, I know I'm standing here -- don't be an ass hole. Because one of two things will happen -- either I will continue to stand there and stare at you until you finally decide to acknowledge me or I will walk away and take a very, very long time to return. And I'm not talking one or two minutes, okay?

If you order a burger well done and it comes down medium rare, I'm sorry. But guess what? I'M NOT COOKING THE FUCKING FOOD. So don't get all pissy with me saying how disgusting it is and how it's so unbelievable that you can't even get a burger cooked properly and blah blah blah. I know. It sucks. But this isn't life or death.
On the same note, if the food is late I'll tell you if it's my fault. I've been known to ring in orders late once or twice, but when I do I haul ass to the kitchen and tell them to bring it down immediately. Otherwise, I have no control over how quickly or slowly your food comes down. Relax, fatty. You're hot dog will be down when they've finished cooking it.

And a note to the senior citizens out there -- it's not 1950 anymore. A 10% tip is no longer acceptable. Get with it. And YES, it's a decaf coffee. Ask me again and I'll make sure it's loaded with caffeine.


How the hell did I become a waiter?