sleepless nights

Sometimes on nights when I can't sleep, I stay up thinking instead. And tonight I was thinking about New York.
And I realized I miss it.
Also on nights when I'm having trouble sleeping, I'll watch Sex and the City. And when an image of my beloved former city flashed across the screen, I felt a pull of sadness. I'll admit...this is not something I've felt a lot of since I've left.

Now, before we all assume this is my big announcement that I'm moving back to the city... no, no.
I simply miss New York today.
I miss getting coffee, hopping the subway, going to Union Square and wandering. I miss having the world at my fingertips. I miss my old apartment and old friends right down the street. I miss the energy. The parks. The shopping. The culture. Mani/Pedi's.
So why did I leave?


My dream of Broadway began when I was merely ten years old. We had an enormous bonus room in our old house with a stereo system and I would play my favorites: The Sound of Music, Puccini, and Carly Simon. I knew every line of Maria's, I had no idea what was happening in Puccini but I knew it was something serious, and my mother loved Carly Simon; therefore, so did I. I would shut the door and suddenly I was on stage. I particularly liked any "live" recordings we had because the audience would applaud. I would rewind that part over and over and continue to bow. My favorite mornings on the weekends would be when my Mom would blast West Side Story from the stereo when she would clean. To this day I can't describe that feeling... but I couldn't get out of bed fast enough to help her mop and dust.

Then, I saw Phantom of the Opera...and everything changed for me. Now, granted -- my mother may have a different perspective being that I was in a TERRIBLE 10 year old bratty mood the night we saw the show, but that show had a huge impact on me. During those two hours, I knew with every fiber of my being I had to do that.
So, that was that. I was in it to win it. I started singing lessons. And pretty soon I landed myself in some school productions. On top of that, I discovered I was actually a pretty darn good little singer. So good in fact, I decided to go to school for musical theatre, which I did.

I actually really loved college. I had great performance opportunities, I loved my friends and teachers/mentors, my grades were good, my family was supportive...what more could a girl want? I mean, I even dated time to time, which in a musical theatre world is hard to come by. One thing college gave me was confidence... but I was also completely blind regarding what I was about to walk in to.

Right after college, I moved to New York with the intention to make it on Broadway. I didn't have a proper audition book, I was a terrible dancer, I didn't know my way around the city or the subway system, I didn't know how to get to any of the studios where the auditions were held or what time to get there, I didn't understand even how the audition process worked. On top of that, at the Actors Equity Building, I wasn't even allowed to use the bathroom and had to go to the McDonalds around the corner instead. And when I finally got seen after sitting on a wooden bench for 5 hours in a hallway ... they had me sing 8 bars. (aka, 8 seconds)
So far, Broadway, you are not so magical.

It didn't take too many auditions like this for me to realize I hated it. I never admitted it to anyone but myself, but I did. And whenever I got really close to getting something, I became more and more bitter. I did this for four years... all while serving tables filled with people who viewed me as a lower class citizen. Four years, countless auditions, thousands of dollars and a nervous breakdown later, I asked myself something:
What the EFF am I doing???

Do I really need Broadway to be happy and fulfilled? Could I really wait tables for god knows how long to get there? What was I sacrficing here? My life? My sanity? What did I REALLY want?

I realized something that day: giving up a dream will never be easy, no matter how ready you are to do it. But I knew it was the right thing to do. I've accepted the fact I will never be in a Broadway Playbill, and that still hurts. I've accepted the fact that I will never make my Broadway debut, and that still hurts.

What you know what I do have? I have a better quality of life. I see my Mom everyday. I have supportive and loving friends around me. I have a summer acting job in a GORGEOUS community. I've had successful auditions where people actually TALKED to me and were INTERESTED in me.
I'm getting my confidence back.

I'll always have a place in my heart for New York and Broadway and am grateful I did it. Because it makes me appreciate everything I currently have so much more.