a miracle weight loss product

I discovered the weight loss miracle when I was in third grade. You see, the hatred I feel toward my body began at this age. And one day while rummaging through the kitchen after school, I came across something that promised to make me thin very, very quickly.

I began drinking this miracle of miracles every day after school. I would get off the bus and quickly run in the house and chug, chug, chug ...and then sit and wait. Surely, it would take effect at any moment. But how, I wondered? Maybe the fat would simply melt off. I visualized myself beginning to boil like a pot of water and steaming from every hole in my body. Do I have to poop it out? Or would the fat turn to air in my body and I would have horrible, smelly, embarrassing gas until I was thin? While these seemed rather unpleasant, I was willing to make the sacrifice. So, after a week of chugging the gritty, chocolaty drink and keeping it from my mother, I was surprised to see zero difference in my body. Why wasn’t the fat melting away? Certainly, something will happen. I must be patient with this life changing drink; this SlimFast.

Two weeks later and still no thinner, my Mom was making lunch for herself. “What happened to all my Slim Fast??” she asked. My third grade mind began to panic. Do I confess? I found this incredible drink that holds so much power! But, truth be told, I don’t know much about it. Was she going to get mad? How serious is this SlimFast product? Would I have to go to the hospital because of it? Could I die by drinking SlimFast?

I cried. I broke down. I confessed everything. I told her I had been using this mystery product to slim me down fast. I asked her through sobs if I was going to die.

“What? Are you going to die from Slim Fast?” Mom says smiling.
“YES! Waahhh!”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Jessica. It’s not going to kill you! But why were you drinking it?”
“I wanted to slim down fast! I wanted my fat to melt away.”

After a lecture from my parents, I learned the hard truth of SlimFast: “Drink with a sensible meal”. It was explained that this drink was simply nutrients packed in powder and nothing was promising to slim me down. And especially not fast. I thought that was a pretty awful and misleading name of a product.

I was lied to by the SlimFast people, whoever they are.

i seem to have misplaced my humor. have you seen it?

About six months before I moved from New York, I visited an astrologer. And I don't mean a lady with a crystal ball. He was actually a professor of astrology and cost a pretty penny and about two hours of my time. Not to mention the whole thing was recorded. I gave him some pretty limited info... my date of birth (month, date, and year), the time I was born and where I was born. To say I was surprised, shocked and slightly disturbed by all he told me from that info is an understatement.

I was very excited before the session started; excited to see how bright and shiny my future was going to be.

First, he tells me I'm too picky. In nearly every area of my life, particularly with dating. (check.)
Then he tells me I would begin the darkest year of my life starting in October of 2010. (check.)

I am twenty-seven years old. Roughly three months ago, I moved out of my adorable, quaint and overpriced one bedroom apartment in New York and relocated to my parents basement in Conyers, Georgia. I am unemployed, single and have gained more weight than I ever thought possible. I have applied for more than fifty jobs, sent out an additional thirty-five resumes and am attending a job fair on Tuesday to work in sales, a career in which I have no interest. This is not where I saw myself at this age.

I lived in New York for four years. When I moved there, I had every intention of living the life of Carrie Bradshaw -- Manolo's, Mr. Big and all. (Sex and the City...for those who don't know. And if you don't, shame on you.) But somehow I ended up spending four years waiting tables, auditioning with six hundred other women packed in one tiny room, and spending three years chasing after a very unavailable man. I can't help but ask myself if I threw away four good years.

Apparently after I go through this "dark" period, I am supposed to reach one of the "brightest" points in my life starting in October of 2011, romance included. I'm also supposed to be very successful with my voice...whether as a singer or in voice overs, he didn't know -- but let's assume it's both. Then again, he also told me not to leave New York yet. Oops.


I suppose in order to appreciate the light, we have to experience the dark first?